I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
