If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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