I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
