hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
