Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
