Sober January is a disaster.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
