My nipple is on Facebook.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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