Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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