He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
