How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
