soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
