i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i think i just lost a toe
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
