He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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