i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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