I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
