I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
