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Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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