nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
