hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
