They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
