I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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