I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
