Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
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