Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
