Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
