sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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