If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
