When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
