i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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