I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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