my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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