um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
