One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
