what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
