Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
