Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
