I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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