just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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