Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
