I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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