My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
