The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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