You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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