My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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