Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
