First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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