Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
