I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
