I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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