I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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