So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
